Why am I so anxious about getting married?

“Why am I so anxious about getting married?” 

You’re engaged or thinking about getting engaged, and you’re surprised at how anxious you feel. Maybe your wedding is right around the corner, and you feel intensely afraid. You might be thinking about whether you’re in the right relationship, or whether you’re really in love with your partner enough. Or you might just feel intense panic and dread, with no clear thoughts at all. 

Maybe you have a history of relationship anxiety or ROCD, or maybe this is the first time you’ve felt this much anxiety about your relationship. 

Either way, it’s easy to interpret your anxiety as a warning sign that maybe you’re in the wrong relationship or that marriage isn’t for you. 

I’ve written this post to tell you the opposite: There are many reasons to feel anxious about getting married, even when you’re in a healthy relationship. 

I also go over how to look at anxiety as information about what is getting stirred up inside of you during this major life transition. As uncomfortable as this situation is, it can be a moment to face the fears and doubts that are coming up for you, so that you can go forward in your relationship.

Eight reasons you might have anxiety about getting married

  1. Marriage is a lifelong commitment. 

  2. In getting married, you give away the independence you’ve known all your life. 

  3. You have fears about marriage. Fears that you came by honestly.

  4. You have relationship anxiety or relationship OCD

  5. You don’t know what will happen in your marriage. You also don’t know what will happen to your marriage. 

  6. Marriage makes you more vulnerable to loss. 

  7. You might have to speak publicly in front of a lot of people at your wedding. 

  8. Your marriage will change you. In the words of David Whyte, you will not survive your marriage in the manner to which you’re accustomed. Your marriage will break your heart in ways you cannot expect.

Anxiety about getting married as a forced slow-down

Have you ever had a cold that forced you to slow down, and you then realize you’d been doing too much, living too busily? 

For some of my clients, their relationship anxiety gets them to slow down too. When they slow down, they can give attention to the more psychological and emotional aspects of getting married. They can look at why they feel anxious. They can tease apart relationship anxiety from gut feelings. Then they can tend to any fears, say goodbye to what they’re giving up, and prepare for the transition of getting married. 

In this way, relationship anxiety can function as a forced slow-down. It creates an opportunity to pause, look inward, and do the personal work to get ready for marriage.

Besides, you live in a culture that tells you - cue Disney - that your wedding should be the happiest day of your life. Many people begin to think that they shouldn’t feel anything but happy when they get married, as if marriage were the answer to their problems. But how could this be? Getting married is complicated. It’s stressful. Shouldn’t there be space to process whatever comes up for you as you go through this experience? 

In my life and in the lives of my clients, I see anxiety often work this way: it forces us to pause and take stock of our own experience. It doesn’t let us plow ahead mindlessly; it asks that we stop, look around, look inward, and ask for help

Questions I ask my clients about marriage anxiety

Here are some questions I ask my clients to help them become more conscious and aware of what getting married brings up for them.

Go through these questions curiously. Notice what shows up for you, even if it feels uncomfortable.

  • What about my life is likely to change when I get married? 

  • What might I get more of? Less of? 

  • What would I need to say goodbye to before getting married? 

  • What fears do I have about marriage? How could getting married go terribly, horribly wrong? 

  • How have other peoples’ marriages turned out in my life? 

  • What have I learned from watching other peoples’ marriages?

  • Do I have a history of anxiety, worry, or OCD? 

  • Does my family have a history of anxiety, worry, or OCD?

  • Am I actually struggling with ROCD?

  • Why aren’t I more nervous?

  • What about marriage is important to me? What about marriage isn’t important to me? 

  • Why get married at all? People cohabitate.

  • Given everything I know about myself and my history, how does it make complete and perfect sense that I feel anxiety about getting married? 

For some people, anxiety about marriage gets them to slow down. When they slow down, they can give attention to the more psychological and emotional aspects of getting married. They can tend to any fears, say goodbye to what they’re giving up, and p…

For some people, anxiety about marriage gets them to slow down. When they slow down, they can give attention to the more psychological and emotional aspects of getting married. They can tend to any fears, say goodbye to what they’re giving up, and prepare for the initiatory passage into marriage.

Conclusion

If you feel anxious about getting married, don’t jump to conclusions. Feeling anxious does not mean you’re in the wrong relationship.

Instead, say “I don’t know why I feel anxious, and I’m trying to learn.” Ask yourself the questions above. Ask the questions I didn’t think to write. See what this anxiety can tell you about what getting married means to you. 

If you feel stuck, overwhelmed, and like you need support, you can always find a therapist who can help you unpack this experience and move forward. 

Meet Cameron

I help men and women do the personal work needed to get ready for marriage. I work with people with a history of relationship anxiety and ROCD, and with people who are facing this kind of anxiety for the very first time. 

I know from personal experience how confusing and terrifying relationship anxiety can be, and how much feels at stake in figuring it out. I also know that there’s a way forward.

Relationship anxiety is overwhelming until you know how to face it. My job is to help you learn how to face it. 

Reach out for a free consultation to see if I’m a good fit for you. 

Or check out my online course called Choosing Love - How to Find Peace from Relationship Anxiety and ROCD! It’s on-demand and includes over 3 hours of audio and 10 practical tools to use in regaining clarity.

Not sure if you have relationship anxiety? Take my free test to find out.

I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I see clients both online and in downtown Oakland, California.

Cameron Murphey LMFT - ROCD Therapist

Notes:

  1. Photo by Julia Karnavusha on Unsplash.

  2. This post is intended as food for thought. This post is neither intended as advice giving nor as a means for diagnosis. Diagnosis of any mental disorder requires live interaction with a licensed mental health professional.

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